VengefulPapaya's Xanga

Plague of Regrets

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:42:37 GMT

Strangely, emotionally unemotional. I still miss you like whoa. After so many years, I can't get over it because it's the biggest regret I'll ever have. I hate you because of what I let you do to me. With the most intense, pathetic and unrequited emotions, I love you more than you will ever realize. I hide and push them away, mask them, ignore them, pretend that they don't exist, but they have always been there and not a day goes by that my stream of consciousness is not filled with random thoughts of how it used to be. Why do I do this to myself? Actually, that's stupid, I know exactly why, because I can't have what I want more than anything else and the only one to blame is myself. The remorse I have had has caused my downfall in every other aspect of my life. Cause and Effect. Years wasted because I can't stop thinking about it and I can't seem to move on. I've failed so completely in life because I failed you. It has destroyed me utterly, I'm just empty, smiling, trying to pretend I'm still there, faux-nonchalant, happy, but it's all just been years of sad, silent torture, watching as you drift away, as I drift away. Maybe it's better this way, living in jaded, silent regret. I was once way too idealistic, my naive optimism was my greatest malfunction. I'm just barely alive, heart beating, limbs moving. All I wanted was to find some great lofty happiness, some intense love to bring me through life, I never wanted security, money, a family, just story-book, soulmate love to call my life complete. I tried too hard to find it in all the wrong places and now those hopes and aspirations fade from my future like ice caps melting in the face of global warming. Poor polar bears and fur seals. Poor Lydia and her futile emotions.

I wish you could read my mind. I wish you could understand, I wish there was a time machine so I could manipulate time and space. There's nothing though, just life and time moving forward, inexorably, uncaring about these trivial mistakes of silly girls. When you were there I used to be so full of life. Life was so happy, I didn't care where it went or where I was going, but I enjoyed living and playgrounds and loving and action movies and fun and happiness. I didn't think there could be any other way for me to exist, and thus I didn't see how happy I was with you. I was so wrong, in so many ways, but now it's much to late. Now there's just silence and dull, aching pain, looking at your beautiful eyes, looking at your hate.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:16:11 GMT

I always know I need to make a change in my life, but I'm afraid of losing what I still have. What are you thinking?

Rice Pudding...

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:11:46 GMT

These raisins are way too juicy. Odd, yet strangely delicious.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 19:48:30 GMT

It's too late, I'm completely destroyed by myself, trapped inside my head with thoughts that can't escape, that will never be understood by those that tell me "I love you." I love you, the pain, of grasping at a dream that I burned long ago. All I have left are insubstantial ashes that fall through my fingers, swept away by some indifferent wind. Look into my dead smiling eyes and realize that there's no one there. You hold the key to my existence, the last part of who I used to be, but I ruined that connection to myself and now all that's left is slowly walking away from me.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:48:32 GMT

Holy fucking shit, what the hell I'm losing my mind.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Fri, 16 May 2008 06:07:13 GMT

Undone, and out of sync. I still use too many commas. I have to pause before everything, and now my reactions are off.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 16:44:06 GMT

Fixing, slowly

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:52:45 GMT

You destroyed my confidence. Now I can't stop second guessing myself, I can't tell my dreams from my reality. I'm picking up the pieces slowly but it's hard to bring yourself together when you don't know what direction is up. I think I need someone to tell me what's wrong with myself, because I already know, but I'm too afraid to admit that something isn't right. I've formed a mental block against my problems and now I don't remember who I used to be. I'm too young to give up. I'm too old to get lost.

You told me you feel different but you can't remember what it used to be like. I can't either. We spent two years inadvertently destroying each other. We've always been completely different people, but we're exactly the same. Now all that's left is saving our lives from ourselves. We are not the stock of failures. Tell that to yourself and find somewhere to begin.

I forgave you for everything you ever did, and everything that you still do and will do, a long time ago. I always hope that you'll forgive me too. I know that you haven't even if you say you don't care. You can't not be one of my closest friends, even though I know it might be better if we never saw each other again.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:19:40 GMT

When I move past the guilt, the regrets, the overwhelming sense of mistakes and lost loves, the bitterness sets in and I don't give a shit anymore when you hurt me. I haven't let myself be happy for years, and now I think I hate you for it. You never did anything wrong except let me love you when it was already too late. So much of me never wants to see you again, so much of me never wants to lose you.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:08:11 GMT

I think you're going to save me. Thank you.