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VengefulPapaya
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Name: Lydia
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Long Island
Birthday: 5/31/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I enjoy stuff, and things and people. I am selectively optimistic. I love with the density of a neutron star, my favorite word is fuzzy. Think about it, but not too hard. Why?
Why not?
Expertise: Anything and everything and all together nothing at all.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Libobfuscated
MSN: lydiafrolics@gmail.com
ICQ:  26947501
Member Since:
1/13/2003
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| Strangely, emotionally unemotional. I still miss you like whoa. After so many years, I can't get over it because it's the biggest regret I'll ever have. I hate you because of what I let you do to me. With the most intense, pathetic and unrequited emotions, I love you more than you will ever realize. I hide and push them away, mask them, ignore them, pretend that they don't exist, but they have always been there and not a day goes by that my stream of consciousness is not filled with random thoughts of how it used to be. Why do I do this to myself? Actually, that's stupid, I know exactly why, because I can't have what I want more than anything else and the only one to blame is myself. The remorse I have had has caused my downfall in every other aspect of my life. Cause and Effect. Years wasted because I can't stop thinking about it and I can't seem to move on. I've failed so completely in life because I failed you. It has destroyed me utterly, I'm just empty, smiling, trying to pretend I'm still there, faux-nonchalant, happy, but it's all just been years of sad, silent torture, watching as you drift away, as I drift away. Maybe it's better this way, living in jaded, silent regret. I was once way too idealistic, my naive optimism was my greatest malfunction. I'm just barely alive, heart beating, limbs moving. All I wanted was to find some great lofty happiness, some intense love to bring me through life, I never wanted security, money, a family, just story-book, soulmate love to call my life complete. I tried too hard to find it in all the wrong places and now those hopes and aspirations fade from my future like ice caps melting in the face of global warming. Poor polar bears and fur seals. Poor Lydia and her futile emotions.
I wish you could read my mind. I wish you could understand, I wish there was a time machine so I could manipulate time and space. There's nothing though, just life and time moving forward, inexorably, uncaring about these trivial mistakes of silly girls. When you were there I used to be so full of life. Life was so happy, I didn't care where it went or where I was going, but I enjoyed living and playgrounds and loving and action movies and fun and happiness. I didn't think there could be any other way for me to exist, and thus I didn't see how happy I was with you. I was so wrong, in so many ways, but now it's much to late. Now there's just silence and dull, aching pain, looking at your beautiful eyes, looking at your hate.
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| I always know I need to make a change in my life, but I'm afraid of losing what I still have. What are you thinking?
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| These raisins are way too juicy. Odd, yet strangely delicious.
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| It's too late, I'm completely destroyed by myself, trapped inside my head with thoughts that can't escape, that will never be understood by those that tell me "I love you." I love you, the pain, of grasping at a dream that I burned long ago. All I have left are insubstantial ashes that fall through my fingers, swept away by some indifferent wind. Look into my dead smiling eyes and realize that there's no one there. You hold the key to my existence, the last part of who I used to be, but I ruined that connection to myself and now all that's left is slowly walking away from me.
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| Holy fucking shit, what the hell I'm losing my mind.
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